Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
You Might Also Like
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.