Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Raisins are grape jerky.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later