Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
January has been Januweary
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.