My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.