i think both sides are to blame here
You Might Also Like
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Clients after you give them your rates
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Become ungovernable.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION