my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
You Might Also Like
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
We are the people our parents warned us about.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.