My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
A woman drives into a bar.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy