2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.