When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
We’ve all been there
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁