I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”