I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
this is so top tier i cant
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.