Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
A leaf blower, but for people.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.