Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same