*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Europe. Made in Germany.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update