Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I love you…
…r dog.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.