Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from