what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
man: wait
time: no
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Natural selection at its finest
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”