The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo