Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.