Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.