[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Haha good job!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.