I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.