Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.