If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
selena gomez
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how