To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*Seductively hides in the woods
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this