My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself