Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
How software testing works
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends