Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.