Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.