A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You Might Also Like
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.