Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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how it started vs how it ended
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.