Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is