“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Huge, if true.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
only 11 steps left
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.