[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice