I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
You Might Also Like
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*