People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”