Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
You Might Also Like
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!