911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.