I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My favorite female superhero
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.