If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.