[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
This is painfully accurate 😅
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
just gave your address to some spiders
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.