going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Ain’t no way
What
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
they really do be looking like this
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct