Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
OKAY DAD
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
oppen heimer style lol
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?