Has science gone too far?
You Might Also Like
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..