I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up