[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
A completely valid reaction tbh
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You