My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
somebody come look at this