[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.