Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.