[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
did it work
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Mornin
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
A roof is a house hat.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!